Two simple innocent people, one tall, dark and handsome man and one blonde, fair skinned girl. Who both grew up in small towns with a mom and dad and an older sibling. Nothing stopping there young attitudes. These two youngsters had sports, friends and school keeping them busy at their young age. These two totaly seperate people had never met until freshman year in high school. Both dated other people and learned new things, they hung out with other people and did different things. Sophomore year they had two classes together, math and science, two classes they both struggled in. The girl immediately noticed that he was best friends with her best friends crush. Strange.. the girl started hanging out more with him, at school. She tried everything for him to notice me, brought him brownies on his birthday, she did his homework for him, she let him and his friend, also her best friends crush, his name is Anthony, use my phone to play games. She tried everything. He didn’t seem to interested at first, he just went on about his life, and she kept trying. We had a mutual friend who had a birthday party that we were both invited to. That’s where we really hit it off. She tried to play all these games and be good at them, she went swimming and jumped in the freezing cold pool with him, She didn’t want to do that at all. But she did it to impress him. After the party they started texting and making small talk, and the girl wore cute clothes to school and went out of her way to be amazing. They hung out a couple times, and had a lot of fun, went swimming, miniature golfing, lazer tag, bowling. He started to seem interested, but she still wasn’t sure. They went to the movies and saw Nightmare On Elm Street, the girl thought it would be perfect. During the move, he reached over a grabbed her hand, butterflys sunk deep in her stomach, and she pretended to be scared, but of course wasn’t. at the end of the movie, the girl reached over and gave him a kiss, two weeks later he asked her to be his girlfriend, and now its been a year and a half and still going strong.
One thing you might want to do is seperate your freshmen year and sophomore year.I liked how you gave examples of the things you did like bringing brownies.
ReplyDeleteThis is cute! I like how you put it in 2nd person and not first, that was really interesting. One thing is that I felt like there was no explaining the picture. It was all explaining your relationship and how it started. But I did really enjoy it. It was so cute!!
ReplyDeleteI love this entire piece, it's very strong and powerful especially the begginning, but you could rephrase this line "also her best friends crush, his name is Anthony, use my phone to play games" to make it stronger and less confusing other than that really great job. (:
ReplyDeleteThis story is really cute! A cool comment is that you didn't describe the picture. Also, add more detail through out the story.
ReplyDeleteHaha this is good! i really liked it but some parts were really confusing. the part about the giving the phone to anthony and him being the best friend just got me weird but i liked it!
ReplyDeletejust more telling ya know!?
ReplyDeleteTake a "fine tooth comb" over this and keep it in the third person like I think you intended. In some random parts you switch from third into first.
ReplyDeleteOh and you list sometimes, especially when you are talking bout the classes. Maybe don't even list just say you had class together and ya'll still struggled.
ReplyDeleteThis was a very cute piece! I liked your opening and the contrast between the two characters. I also liked how you chose to write about yourself in third person.
ReplyDeleteTo improve your piece, you could comb through and fix the few relapses in which you wrote in first person- this essay works better in third person.
I also think you could improve this sentence by being more specific: "Both dated other people and learned new things, they hung out with other people and did different things." What were some of these "things?"
Very intuitive! Told a very good story and i loved the strong detail
ReplyDeleteThe detail is working very good in the story, the thing i would improve on is separating freshman year and soph, because it was hard to tell.
ReplyDelete